Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.

Murder Hornets: ok boomer

me after eating Cheetos

Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?

Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back

Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?

Me: No.

H: Who did then?

Me: Ninjas.

H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.

Me: They’re very good ninjas.

You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.

I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.

If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

Me: I only use one side of my brain.

Them: Which side?

Me: The bad one.

Me: the cords are tangled.

Brain: pull at them.

Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?

Brain: pull at them violently.

[On the couch watching TV]

Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?

no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads

Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache

Always go for the Lonewolf, unless they are insane, then go for someone else.

Always be yourself…

Unless you run into one of your exes…

Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…

[at olive garden]

waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be

me: olives

waiter: ok

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.

Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.

Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no

John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense

Me: So where’s all the security?

John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own

Voodoo map

A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.

HARRY POTTER: 🙁

DUMBLEDORE: 🙁

VOLDEMORT: : (

11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.