do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
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I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
kinda fun if literal: earwigs
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare