do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
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“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
(Boarding flight to Iowa)
9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?
12 yo: corn on the cob
9 yo: what else?
12 yo: corn off the cob
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.