Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.

I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.

Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You

Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.

[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”

Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.

you will never know the true number of layers

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.

Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*

Me: Dammit.

[Flirting in a bar]

ME: Did it hurt…

HER: …

ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?

PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again

I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.

Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

~What is your sin, child?

My husband and I are arguing

~That’s very common.

…about my boyfriend.

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are

Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’

on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme

Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here

Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.

Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)

Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey

[a duel]

Him: Choose your weapons.

Me: Um…banjos.

Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.

Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!

Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.

Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed

Audience:

Jim Carrey: all righty then