Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
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In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog