Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
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I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
tfw you realize …
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.