Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
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Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.