do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
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dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
c’mon!
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.