do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
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Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Brain: That cookie is hot.
Me: Like lava hot.
Brain: Let it cool down.
Me: Agreed.
Brain: But… it’s right there… and you’re an adult who makes poor decisions.
Me: Also true.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
still the best tweet of the year by far
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”