do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
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What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
what the
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami