do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
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FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Yup
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
buys donuts instead
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.