Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
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When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Hmmmmm
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes