@autocorrects

Do I turn left when nothing is right? Or do I turn right when there’s nothing left?

Do I turn left when nothing is right? Or do I turn right when there’s nothing left?

- @autocorrects

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@fanofhell

guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine

@Dutch_50

I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.

@Bownuggets

Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

@mishakey

Is there anything better than being fit and healthy? Yes. Pizza and beer.

@chimneyspotter

DR: Are you sexually active?
ME: Very
DR: Eating donuts alone in your car doesn’t count
ME: Still yes
DR: Neither do croissants
ME: Then no

@hazelmotes1

Neck Tattoos: helping employers make hiring decisions since 1992.

@TwinSurvivalist

If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.