@autocorrects

Do I turn left when nothing is right? Or do I turn right when there’s nothing left?

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@IamEveryDayPpl

My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…

Weird.

@kimtopher22

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

@NYC_Blonde

Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.

@LlamaInaTux

Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?

Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends

Lawyer: remember, you took an oath

Me: just one friend

Lawyer: an oath on the Bible

Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom

@FForEffort1

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

@BoogTweets

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied

@iDontWannaBeYhu

Money doesn’t buy happiness? Well it buys a jet ski. Have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski? It’s impossible to be sad on a jet ski.

@newLettuce

Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?

Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste

@Eden_Eats

Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.

@LlamaInaTux

Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents

me: please Bob. I’m sorry

Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up