*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
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MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Ain’t no way
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.