When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
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*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
I’m awake but I object,
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I hope google does well on my son’s test