Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano

I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.

Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)

Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol

When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home

#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem

Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin

I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.

My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”

So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?

Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?

Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”

~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~

Me, “I want a divorce.”

My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.

Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

interviewer: what are some of your strengths

me: i’m really good at making people question their reality

interviewer: what does that mean

me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you

Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*

Me: What was that all about?

Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.

The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.

*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*

Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.

Ad: Buy 4, get one free.

Me: I’ll take 10 then.

This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.

Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”

People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.

Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.

Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’

Me: you can’t be seriousful