Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
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my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
*serious situation*
My brain:
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.