Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
You Might Also Like
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
Boss: We need a name for our film studio
Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea
1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t
Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox
1-up Karl: *looks at camera*
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.