Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
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My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Me: I brought hay, but I don’t think I can fit much inside me.
HR: Did… did you think we were hiring an assistant manger?