Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
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Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
New word: Biscgret.
Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
I need to get some bricks…
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst