Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?

Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance

Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.

#growingpains

I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids

Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth

~ realistic wedding vows

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

You make me want to be a better sentence completer.

God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?

Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.

I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.

her: i’m a cat person

me:

her:

me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky

Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter

Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.

THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth

EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*

ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*

Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?

me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!

JW: excuse me?

me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch

*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.

CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!

ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.

EXCALIBUR: Ok

5: Mom, look at me!

Me: I’m in the shower

5: Look at me!

Me: I can’t!

5: Because you’re in the shower?

Me: Yes!

5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!

Cashiers are always checking me out

A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.

[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN

[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool

If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.