Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples

Person: What are you doing?

Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls

P: You win weirdest problem of the day

having children is a pyramid scheme.

AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.

So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.

Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?

[First Date]

Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting

Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too

Him: I love you to the moon.

Me: And back?

Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.

The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.

While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.

Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen

Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.

groan^2

Stop blaming others for your mistakes.

Study feng shui and blame the furniture

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.

[at dinner]

Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom

If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.

Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.

Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*

Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.