Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.

A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?

me, a police sketch artist: is this him?

witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?

Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.

[First Date]

I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…

{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you

Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?

Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer

Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me

Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN

Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.

Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.

I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”

If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.

Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?

Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.

Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off

I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!

– me to my bed.

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.

do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence

You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.

ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure

[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something

“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello

“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort

there are two kinds of people:

those who only want you for Christmas
and those who expect a fruit tree, a shit ton of birds, dancing servants, expensive jewelry, and a musical band

and they marry each other

they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer

Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

Me: I just really want to kick this habit

Therapist: You want to kick nuns?

Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction

Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?

Me: punching nuns