“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
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Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?