“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
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Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.