“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
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I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah