Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jealousy is a horrible green monster.

Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.

🙁

Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!

One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero

Remember when double entry was an accounting term?

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that

All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

I can’t stand fake people.

Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.

Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.

Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.

This kid will have a bright future.

Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.

You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster

Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E

I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.

My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.

My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.

I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.

If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.

I know a bad idea when I see one.

I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.

Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane

“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”

And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..

Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.

Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?

i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot

[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp

Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.

Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.