Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
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Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
this makes me so uncomfortable
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.