Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.

Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?

10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]

(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.

The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.

ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say

Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god

I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.

And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.

Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.

Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting

Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy

Me: oh no!

Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels

Me: OH NO!

Hm.
No kidding?
HUH.
Really?
Wow, I did not know that.

– me, reading my daughter’s Driver’s Ed textbook

my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!

me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning

my niece: maybe a cat

Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house

Me: What, really?

Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist

Me: I promise

Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone

Me: No I don’t

Her: Thank you, I promise

Me: Oh God

Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.

could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer

Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*

It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.

You’re still using fowl language.

*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f

Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster

Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.

I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.