Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
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Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do