Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?

It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters

Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.

I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this

[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]

“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time

Boss: How was vacation?

Me: Better than this.

She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…

Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.

Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!

My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.

Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine

Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that

If looks could kill

For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.

Howl 😭

Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers

“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary

[at DMV]

Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first

Guy in line: that’s not a thing!

Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu

Guy: wha-

Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*

Clerk: cup or cone

Me: cone pls 🙂

Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie

REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?

ME: I did not realize that had started.

me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?

Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.

*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*

I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.

Them: just trust your gut

Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?