Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
You Might Also Like
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.