Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
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[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.