Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
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The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Scream sneezers need love too.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.