Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
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Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.