Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!

[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.

[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*

As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.

Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*

Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.

I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.

Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.

I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.

me: let’s change your diaper

2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!

“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”

~All accountants

[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law

Coworker: How’s your worksite?

Me: I can see my work fine thank you.

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me

Dogdamnit, autocarrot.

[INTERVIEW]

HR: What are your strengths?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

HR: Wow-Weaknesses?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…

if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.

My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.

[slowly removing special glasses]

Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing

Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here

me: hey big boy

friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that

gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting

Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp

My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.

My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…