do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
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Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
cats when you pet them too long:
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I need to know what happened here in 1620.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.