do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
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him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.