Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”

ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.

[a boomerang is thrown at me]

me: oh no holy frickin crap !

[one second later]

me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT

I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.

20 seconds later:

just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress

Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you

If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.

[first date]

Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys

Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]

I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.

I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.

*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead

My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.

I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.

I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…

It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”

Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”

Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”

When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.

Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?

me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water

I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.

SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!

[ opening mail ]

Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.

Me: What?!

Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.

Me:

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You sonofa-

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.