do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
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I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
that colleague who touches your screen
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
found this cool rock hiking today
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.