Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*

Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.

Most of the time.

Once in a while.

Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?

My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.

[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?

Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors

Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS

Got ya covered

*pounding on her chest*

DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!

*pounds harder*

(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!

CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.

If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”

Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this

Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger

The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.

Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.

Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.

What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.

any last words?

I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.

This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead

My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.

[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common

i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry

THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.

ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.

If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.

Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.

Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.