Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
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This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
This is hilarious
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.