Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
You Might Also Like
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.