@NYC_Blonde

Do men prefer straight or curly hair? Need to know so I can tell my roommate the opposite and then try to steal her boyfriend.

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@someonesmomma

Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?

~people

@GregDorris

I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.

@SJSchauer

[at SunMaid farms with a guy]

Guy: so is this a date?
Girl:… No? These are raisins

@TheMichaelRock

Shout out to Debra on Facebook for saving lives by letting everyone know that the snow is slippery.

@wickedsuga

My cashier at the grocery store bagged the tomatoes with the ketchup and I swear I could hear them screaming.

@Tacet_no_more

I wonder if anyone being chased by a bear has ever tried just turning around and saying in a really stern voice “NO…Bad Bear”?

@CroweJam

Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.

@Brampersandon_

How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.

@jjhartinger

This new generation doesn’t knock they just text to say they’re outside, so I text back to say we’re inside. Two can play.