sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
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“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”