Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
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Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
6. me as a lawyer
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.