Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?

I know you do. That’s why I do it.

Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.

Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.

Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.

FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?

ME: Nah, just one at a time

Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.

My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—

“Whoa nice car”

Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels

[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”

Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.

She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

[Thanksgiving 2020]

Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions

Him: that’s a carrot

‘Hey look, hot dogs!’

Dogs: *blush* omg thanks

*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*

My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.

My nephew: Ok i’ll try.

My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.

If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.

God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*

Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*

[opens fortune cookie]

be careful what you wish for

[opens another]

this is your final warning

If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.

Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach

Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.

Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers