Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
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Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
just drank a fifth of lava lamp juice, dare me to drive?
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder