Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
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Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
You have been warned.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands