Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
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ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Pot warmers of the day.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”