Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
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Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.