Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
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Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
im 7 sauces long
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
He’s making a list,
And checking it twice,
You’re gonna find number 12
Very hard to believe.
Santa Clause is working
for Buzzfeed.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
I come from a time of excessive Durans.