Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
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Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Creepy-crawlies
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.