Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
You Might Also Like
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal