do mermaids get waxed or descaled
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Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
pls suprot
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher