Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”

Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”

My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.

[Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.

i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

Honest job interview:

“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.

While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.

The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”

9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.

I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:

*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..

* whole family gasps while gazing intently*

Me: …so many…DM Rooms

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.

my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t

~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

[giving cops my statement after my house was robbed by the breakdancing burglar] no music but he was still hittin that shit

Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”

My oldest bra can smoke now.

Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him

For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision

I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.

Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.

“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”

-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.

I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.