Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?

When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?

Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings

You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think

“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?

She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.

I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.

There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.

If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.

Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!

As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.

The person who named the eggplant must have been:

a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high

doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood

If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven

me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby

*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.

“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy

I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.

“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”

Caller:

“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”

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i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that

If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”