do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
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Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
No laws when master is gone
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose