do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
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Please vote for people who are attractive
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed