Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or

coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone

me: whoa magic

Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous

Water buffalo: Who?

P: That beautiful flamingo over there.

WB: Go talk to her.

P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.

WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…

WB/P: …not a Pelicant.

just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here

Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids

Husband: What’s the nightmare part?

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

My birthstone is a marshmallow

Me: can I have some more hair?

The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?

[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.

I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.

If snakes were wide

When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.

But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”

[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be

I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.

I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again

Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.

I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.

[praying in church]
Please God let church end early

CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk

Me: I’ll never talk

CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]

[two hours later]

Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?

CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?

My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”

[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*

My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one

Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”

And just like that, civilisation reached its limits

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”

If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.

high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed