Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.

Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.

As a child I was worried I may have a thing for lions when watching Nala’s ‘come to bed’ eyes in lion king. Never pursued this thankfully.

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.

The weather: *reads my credit card bill*

coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth

My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.

You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?

Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.

Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.

“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

Cashier: That will be $82.07.

Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.

Cashier: That will be $82.03.

My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.

I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.

I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.

What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?

There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious

I didn’t hit him with my car…

I massaged him with my wheels.

As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”

🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”

Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.

Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.

15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.

Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here

Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws