Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
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Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.