Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.

they should schedule doctor appts like

DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40

Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.

Dracula: Vhere? Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.

Dracula: Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..

Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.

By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags

Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.

Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.

(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)

6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.

Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”

Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯

Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳

#stats

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?

Because the rest were not-E.

Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.

WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen

I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.

me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken

my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”

interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?

me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born

Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.

Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.

Meghan Markle: breathes

Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.

I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.

Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry

Her: ok

Waiter: good evening

Me: good evening Barry

All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”

just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished

women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals