Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
You Might Also Like
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
This is a sub tweet
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.