Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
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*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.