Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
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amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Terribly Tuesday.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.