Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert

Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.

people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice

Comparing yourself to others

I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.

If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.

I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house

Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.

I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.

FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*

I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!

*Pulls out 10000 spoons*

Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.

My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.

In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.

Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.

ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.

“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*

dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?

My neopet probably thinks I’m dead

[explaining why we got fat]

Friend: I had a baby

Me: I had a donut

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991

[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]

me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question

[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]

I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.

My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.