DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
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Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal