DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
If a snake ate a cake
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Velcrow
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
