Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
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Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Science is fun!
#nottrue
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
A drum solo but on your face.
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS