Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
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If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases