Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.

Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.

Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week

I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it

6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?

Truth. 😆😭😮‍💨

Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.

Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?

Me: I was only going one way…

The chart results are in…

Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate

I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal

7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content

-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter

I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.

IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?

me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts

IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?

me: well, where to begin…

When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.

Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this

‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’

*in Hell

Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke

“Ninja please” -Japanese people

*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.

You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down

*shrugs*
*swipes right*

My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.

Parenting is easy

Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.