Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy

First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.

I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time

If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.

I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.

getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”

“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”

Aerosmith = Romantic

Me = Restraining Order

So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.

“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?

My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it

I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.

A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”

me: I plead the 3rd

lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?

me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either

Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.

[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]

Me: Wow, you used to be hot

Wife: *death glare*

Me: …but not as hot as you are now

your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies

i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.

I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

dogs are toddlers

cats are teenagers

stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues

Me: i need a copy of this key.

hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.

me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.

Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician

when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint