do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
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“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
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[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!