Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
You Might Also Like
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
30 minutes was not the right answer.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Truly one of the great bangers
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.