Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

titanic

I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.

God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.

OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!

Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.

[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else

This made me chuckle cuz mood

The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it

(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.

Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re

S: Oh ffs!

where’s Godzilla when we need him

[Riding carousel]

Her: um, we should move on

Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime

Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…

If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.

I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.

Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.

no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…

“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

Me: “I’ll drink to that!”

Them: “Nobody said anything.”

Me: “I’ll drink to that!”

[first date]

Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?

Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.

A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.

It cost me an arm and a leg!

ME: I love you

HER:

ME: I said I love you

HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order

Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.