Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT

Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago

*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?

My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg

My dinner: Haribo

I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away

HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually

[First date]

Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?

Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!

Put a ring on it

Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.

GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it

HUMANITY: deal

my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up

me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair

David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.

Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-

I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.

if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance

[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

“Well which one is it?”

[Christmas shopping]

me: I’m looking for a toy for my son

clerk: how old?

me: something new please

Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.

It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.

{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better

[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS

Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*

Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?

Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.

Do hairy people get bed head all over?

Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.

I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.

We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.