Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.

“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”

I don’t think you will….

You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building

Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*

Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….

People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??

My car:

Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?

Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?

I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.

I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?

4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?

Me, a Dad: Yeah???

4: …

4: MOMMY!!!

When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like

Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here

My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.

If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.

Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.

me: I miss handshakes

cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty

[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]

Ahhhh, there it is…

Wife: Get off of me!!

I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work

I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.

In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.

Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”

FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*

Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years

[aliens invading our home]

Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED

What time will the Easter candy be discounted?

CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.

Ok. I’ll call back later.