Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

:office birthday party:

CW: Would you like to sign the card?

Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.

CW: His name is Joe.

There is no “five second rule”…

Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.

My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well

[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.

Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.

Wrapping paper: *rips*

washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out

*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me

They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on

I’m in a really bad place right now*

*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house

ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her

Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.

My middle finger will be answering all questions today!

The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?

[deserted Island]

other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies

me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously

I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.

And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.

[at the drug store]

Employee: May I help you, sir?

Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”

Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?

[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me

Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.

The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’

(At the Gym)

Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.

Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face

I think…I think I swallowed it.

*Cleans glasses*

“Omg I have a cat?”

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.